My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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