3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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