you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
we're so committed to being not committed
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
