let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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