Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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