He asked to "fluff my boner.."
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
