she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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