Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize