I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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