I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
