You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
