She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize