I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
