....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
