i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
