:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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