Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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