Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
