I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
