Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you made out with another girl for some wings
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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