Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
