I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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