I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
