Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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