I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
What drink are we having for lunch?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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