Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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