So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
