I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
