remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
