Can Purell be used as lube?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
