Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
