Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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