Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
