i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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