i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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