Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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