Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
