it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
