the new term for farting is butt boxing.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
