Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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