Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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