Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
