Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My penis needs a shock collar
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
