how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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