I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is Oprah even human
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
