Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
