man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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