I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
