Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
