While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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