Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize