i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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