Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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