it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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