He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
