you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
