Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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